When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
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Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.