[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
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It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.