A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
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I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes