My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
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I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I’m giving up ice.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell