*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
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What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
That time Alicia messaged me
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”