NASA has no chill
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According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”