Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
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me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Pretty certain I can more drunk
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.