Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
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On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
The devil.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.