[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
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Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.