Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
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{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.