I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
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When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
How to properly lift a body
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
iPhone X
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you