Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
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[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Is fructose made with real fruct?
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
are there any atheist mantises?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”