Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.