So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
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Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
*pronounces bondage like corsage.