In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
You Might Also Like
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.