Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
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vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
If only.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster