I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
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The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
mmm onion ringos
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*