I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
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Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Every work meeting this week
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you