The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
You Might Also Like
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.