grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
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😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
FINE, I WON’T.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.