Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
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Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?