When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
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SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Never forget.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
This will never not be funny 😭
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right