Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
You Might Also Like
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
wow
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Peace was never an option
My favorite farside!!
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.