COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
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[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich