Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
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A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Not helping
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end