From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
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Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”