Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
The Friday File.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11