[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.