There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
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Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Before & after 😅
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.