ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
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All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
“You’d better run, egg!”
the chicken was already gone when I got here
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
#Caturday
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.