There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
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My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
#NeverForget
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time