Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
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Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.