31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
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Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.