I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Lube but for my dry humor.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
How software testing works
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.