If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
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No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this