If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
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Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Haha good job!!
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*