Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
When you’ve simply given up.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.