My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
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[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
That stupid look on my face, is my face
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!