Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
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when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
In banana years, I am bread.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.