Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos