I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
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Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
the icebreaker
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Who.
Did.
This?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.