doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.