You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
You Might Also Like
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
This came to me in a dream.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”