[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Tony Hawk, age 6
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Monica just destroyed the internet
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight