Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
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In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul