I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
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Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.