My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Möther may I have a snäck
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.