-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
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What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
“i am a sweet baby”
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Hell yeah 👍
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen