Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
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Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.