I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
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Stop being racist to kettles.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now